honesty

So I think I need to be honest with myself...since I can't sleep anyway. I am in love with him and I have been for a very long time. When I had him I did everything to see how far I could push him away. I never appreciated what I had. I was only concerned about what I did not. I am left being alone and wondering if I did everything wrong because it wasn't meant to be or if I did everything wrong because I am afraid to be happy. I know at times I wasn't happy but I wonder if its because I wasn't doing anything to fix it. I always expected him to change when I should have taken a look at myself. Do I still feel this way after all these years because there is something real between us or is it because I just don't know how to let go? I wish someone would tell me the answer so I could either be free or figure out how to get him back.