Should I be worried?

It's getting to be that time of year again.  The time of year when it is darker longer.  The time of year when you are supposed to be happy.  The time of year when you are supposed to make plans with friends.  The time of year when I feel the most forgotten.  The time of year I have the most expectations.  The time of year when I end up the most disappointed.

I don't want to repeat the cycle.  I definitely do not want to repeat what happened last year.  I don't want to feel like crap.  I don't want to feel like my world is ending.  I don't want to feel like the sun will never shine again.  I don't want to feel like tomorrow will never come.

So how do I stop it? Do I learn to expect nothing?  Do I just expect people to let me down? Do I learn to understand that people will just forget me? Do I do this all to myself?

The past is so haunting when you learn to expect certain things from yourself. I expect failure, and heartache, and pain, and disappointment. If I know I do this to myself why don't I just break the cycle? How do I break the cycle? Why can't I just wake up tomorrow and be ok?  Why can't I wake up and forget about the past? Forget about how bad it hurts?

I live in fear of myself.  I live in fear of my mind.  I live in fear of my actions. I wish I could leave my thoughts behind.  The ones that blind me.  The ones that convince me that I'm not good enough.  The ones that convince me I will never be good enough.  The ones that convince me I have no future.  The ones that scream "WHAT'S THE POINT?!?". 

Each day I work a little harder see the good.  To see the point.  To learn that I am in control of myself.  To strive for tomorrow.  To be excited for every sunrise.  

This time I'm not going to let it get me.  This time I will stay in control.  This time I have God on my side.  This time I will remember my friends.  This time I will reach out before I sink.  This time I will win.  I will make it through.  I will stay happy. I will be the best me I can be and not let anything stop me! Especially not me.

Someday

Someday I will live in a world where people don't judge other people and don't worry about what everyone else is doing. 

Someday I will live in a world where I can walk out of a room and know that I am not immediately being talked about. 

Someday I will live in a world where people really mean it when they smile and say something nice. 

Someday I will live in a world where when someone asks you how you're doing they are sincere and not just looking for their next piece of gossip. 

Someday I will live in that world but today isn't that day. 

Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.

Someday..

So it kinda sucks when you feel forgotten.  I mean things have actually been going pretty good for me lately.  But then my parents completely forget that we made plans to celebrate my birthday today.  I mean I know it's silly to still care about birthdays at my age but its the one thing I look forward to all year. I don't know why.  They usually end up a huge disappointment.  You would think your own parents would care though.  I guess you really can't count on anyone anymore.

Today

So lately I've been feeling very depressed again.  I don't know why exactly.  I feel like I don't belong in this world.  I feel like I'm a puzzle piece that was put in the wrong box.  Some people make me feel like I belong for a second but after a while I realize that the pictures don't match. All I want is one person that I can be me with.  I love who I am but I don't feel like anyone else understands me.  I just hope that someday I can feel like I belong somewhere; that someone out there feels like they can't live without me and I can't without them.

Original

Today I am going to see the Chicago Blackhawks. They are the third original 6 team I am going to see. I hope to eventually see all of the Original teams. Either way I am so obsessed with hockey. I am just happy to be able to go to the games. It's my favorite thing in the world. I've got 4 or 5 games this month alone. Can't wait... Sorry this post kinda sucks but I'm listening to music while trying to write this...Multi-tasking is not my strong suit! Kisses!

an annonymous thanks

I just need to say thank you. You were there for me when I needed someone the most. As much as I care about what you think about me I knew you wouldn't judge me. You let me talk about what I couldn't say to anyone else. You cared when you could have turned away. I hope one day you will know that you probably saved my life. For that I will always love you.

this is me

In case you were wondering who Just Coleen is...well this is me.